Goodbye, ______ ___

This is the worst one. This eats into me at night when I can't sleep. And I don't know why. Maybe that's why.

From the start I never knew what it was. You frustrated me beyond reason. You felt entirely dependent on me, and yet you seemed to take all the parts of me that I didn't understand, the parts that were fake and frightened and superficial and loose. You took those and became those but good and genuine and more and better. It was soul crushing.

I never intended to be cruel, I never intended to be mean. I became brutal, I became short-tempered. I lost compassion, I became spiteful and petty, and I hated it. I thought I hated you but I just hated me.

I want to crawl out of my skin.

I don't even remember how it really ended, I don't remember anything from that time. And it kills me. It kills me not to know the weight of it, it kills me not to be able to understand. I don't even know how much I'm apologising for. I can't even try to step into your shoes, I know nothing and understand nothing. I can't grow out of it, I can't live and let live. I can't take the low road or the high road, I can't do anything at all. I am stuck in the mud of the rainstorm that I danced to. I'm terrified I'll tread through it for the rest of my life.

I wish you all the best and hope I never, ever hear anything of it. I hope I never see you again, I hope your name never comes up in conversation. I hope you find love and safety and happiness somewhere far away and I hope to die only hoping for it and never knowing. I hope there will be a day I've forgotten about you entirely but I know that won't come.

And you did nothing but look for a home somewhere where you had none.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Please let it be goodbye. Let it be goodbye forever.

Goodbye. I'm sorry, and good bye.